Paracosm
by RealTechnorat
Summary: Sasaki Haise dreams of a white haired ghoul. (Kanekicest, AriKane) (written for Cannibal Christmas)


**1000**

You have strange dreams. To most, your 'dreams' are more like nightmares, like stuff straight out of horror movies.

The white haired man who looks so uncannily like you is back. You know there's something you cannot remember about him. Who is this man to you? Is this man even real? If he's not… then why is this happening night after night?

The room's dimensions seem to fluctuate; gravitating towards the sitting man. He's not looking up. You watch. You know the drill by now. The repetitive dreams always end with the man begging you for _your body _back_. _For him to be _accepted _by you_. _You knows that you are a ghoul. This man must also be one…

What if… this man is somebody you happened to have eaten? You are no fool. You know that your RC cell count is much _higher_ than any member of the Quinx… You could have only gotten to that level by eating ghouls— your fellow ghouls. Perhaps, subconsciously, you still felt guilt for feeding on others? Could that explain away the ghostly man?

"Hey…" the man says. To you? To him_self_? "Haise… Why won't you just accept me?" The ghoul sounds… so sad. It's painful. He's not seated anymore. The chair's empty. The ghoul's behind you, whispering in your ear. "Don't leave me… I'm so lonely." His breath is warm against your skin… But this is a dream… How are you feeling such realistic sensations? The wriggling sensation in your ear almost hurts.

This is new… The ghoul never told you to _stay. _Just to give in, to accept him, to—

You snap awake. Glancing at the clock, you realizes just how early it is. You sit up and rub at your eyes. You can't go back to sleep and face the phantom again… Instead, you turn on the bedside lamp, put on your glasses, and find an old favorite to read…

You're only a few pages in when you hear someone say,"…I liked that book too." It's the ghoul. He's sitting in a dark corner of your bedroom. This is the first time that he's appeared outside of your unsettling _dreams_.

It feels as if the room's temperature lowers by a few degrees.

"Who are you?" you demand, gathering your courage. You get out of the warm, safe bed and approach the figure. "Why are you in my dreams? Why are you here?" You're whispering furiously. It'd be awful if your subordinates heard you talking to the apparition… They'd lose what little respect they have for you.

When you get to the chair, the figure disappears. You hears laughing from behind you. The white haired ghoul is lounged on your bed, tracing the spine of the novel. "You won't accept me… But, Haise, you need to remember…"

The first twenty-something years of your life are a blank… What does this man have to do with them…? If he had something to with such a long period of time, either you and he were close friends or siblings before you had eaten him or… You don't like the other possibility…

"How can I accept someone I know nothing about?" you ask. "Why should I accept you?

One eye is a steel grey. The other is a ghoul's eye… His eyes match your own. Your stomach continues to twist and turn…

"Haise, you are weak. I am strong. I think it's time for _you_ to rest…" the ghoul tells you. You're offended, frankly… You would 'rest' much better if the ghoul didn't harass you in your sleep… "There are other people who need me— us." Then, the horrible confirmation… You and the ghoul from his dreams are _one_ and the _same_.

The ghoul's in front of you now. He's just a little shorter than you. His arms reach out for your Ghoul Investigator self… How had it come to this? "Have you accepted me yet?" It's such a broken tone. His nails are… black? Or is it blood just underneath the surface? Just what kind of life have you led?

You are enveloped in strong arms as the ghoul sobs. You expected to be eaten, not hugged… by yourself…. You awkwardly rub the white haired man's back, only to have him disappear with the parting words,"_Remember_ me."

**993**

"Haise, you look like you haven't slept," Arima observes.

You sigh. "I haven't slept very well lately," you admit.

"_The voice… _has _it_ been bothering you?"

"Yes…"

**986**

You dream of bleach blond boy and you feel such intense feelings of sorrow and longing. All smiles and laughter… Almost without a care in the world. A human who worked for the CCG.

"Hideyoshi Nagachika," the ghoul says in the back of your head. _Your- _His best friend. Where is he now? How long has it been since you've seen him…? Is he… still alive…? The desire to see him again is not quite _your_ own, but your previous self's. To find out if he was safe… To protect him if he was not.

"Hide," you whisper out.

"Yes, that is his nickname…"

The ghoul uses 'is.' There is a chance that Hide is still alive... somewhere... But, the ghoul might be wrong. Your best friend might have died and there's nothing you could have possibly done about it.

**979**

The next night's dreams are filled with a café waitress. Sometimes there's bunnies. A hard-working girl who lived— lives?— a double life… She helped you in the past, didn't she?

"Touka Kirishima," your other self says.

The Rabbit. One of the ghouls the CCG was hunting… Is hunting? You're responsible for Torso, not the Rabbit. You wouldn't know anything about her and her status... And if you tried to investigate... Would the CCG become suspicious?

You didn't want to be _erased _again.

**972**

There's a purple man who you instantly feel uneasy towards. Purple hair, purple eyes, purple clothes. …He looks like a model, you think to yourself.

Unfortunately he and you are one, and he hears your thought. "Tsukiyama Shuu," he says. "I thought he looked like a model too…" Is it a trick of the light, or did the white haired man's nose wrinkle up in distaste?

What had he done? Just who was he to the other you?

**965**

"Why are you showing me these people?" you ask and the dreamscape shifts to that eerie room. You notice a bucket next to the chair.

He looks up, locking eyes with you. "They need us," is his simple response. "I need to protect them. I need to get stronger." He mumbles. You don't want your memories back. You don't want to know why your past self is so traumatized.

"You look like you're the one who needs to be protected."

"You and I are the same," he says. "I need to protect you." He expects you to understand the logic (or lack of) behind his desires.

"You don't need to protect me. We're the same person. I'm just missing some memories. I can keep myself safe," you say. You try to calm him down. He's rocking himself back and forth, shrinking into himself— yourself?

"There's another _me_ inside of _me_," he mumbles. There's a flash of black hair and black eyes. A younger and more innocent boy, but it's (he's?) gone just as quick.

**958**

Arima won't spar with you. He makes a cup of coffee for you and one for himself. You watch Arima add plenty of milk and sugar to his own. You know you're not a full-ghoul. You're a half ghoul, an artificial one. If you had your memories back… would you know— remember?— how creamer and sweeteners taste?

He watches you. "Haise… I'm really concerned… You've been performing poorly in the field lately…" Arima is so serious. He really is your pseudo-_father_… "Do you need something to eat?"

"No, I'm not really hungry," you say. "But… I've been having those dreams and I'm so tired…" You trust him completely. You can confide in him and know he won't throw you to the mercy of your higher ups. There are bags underneath your eyes. It makes you look older… more world-weary.

Arima looks guilty for a second.

You're left to wonder why.

**951**

You wash your face before you go to sleep.

You look up into the mirror and see him staring back. You blink and he's gone.

You've been seeing him increasingly outside of your dreams. At this point, you're not sure if he's just a hallucination of your old self or he's_ really somehow there_.

Warm breath ghosts across the sensitive skin of your neck. You can see him behind you in your mirror. "Do you want to go to_ s_l_e_e_p_, Haise?" he asks. His fingers intertwine with your own. They're warm, covered in something sticky. It's blood. You know it's blood. The sweet coppery scent is all around you... It makes your stomach growl.

He's nuzzling your neck. It's a strange thing to watch… Your younger self holding your hand and pressing his face into the side of your neck… You blink and he's gone again. This time for good.

At least for that night.

**944**

You don't dream about him for a few days.

You miss his constant presence.

**937**

He's back.

And he's crying

In the dark corner of your room, in the chair that has been turned around from your desk. You can hear him say,"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Over and over again. What is he sorry for? What should you be sorry for? What _sins_ have you committed in your life?

You try to touch his— your? — shoulder to shake him, but your hand passes right through.

He must have felt it. He looks up. "I am Kaneki Ken," he says. "What am I? I am a ghoul... a human... fucking strong..." He's rambling. He doesn't actually know what's going on… does he?

But…

The name does feel right to him…

**930**

_Kaneki Ken_

_ Status: Erased_

**923**

His old self is named Kaneki Ken. A college student that had gone missing and declared _erased_ months later. That's when you — the Ghoul Investigator — surfaced. That still doesn't explain how you're a half-ghoul now. It doesn't explain why your hair turned white, at least for a while. It doesn't explain why he has black nails. What happened in that short amount of time?

Kaneki appears in reflections, in water, sometimes in rooms you're in. Nobody can see him but _you_. You're not sure how this is even happening.

It's midnight when Kaneki asks you,"Do you know the sound a centipede makes when it's in your ear?" and you can feel the ghost of crawling in your ear.

**916**

The ghoul nicknamed Centipede.

Defeated by _Arima_.

_it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here it's like a kitchen in here in here in here here here_

You clutch at your head. It hurts it hurts it hurts. It feels like something's going through your head. Something is _gently scrambling you up_ from the inside.

Your kagune comes out. There's shouting and chaos. What's going on? You don't know.

_ everythinghurtseverythinghurts_

**909**

"—unstable. We can't keep him here if _you_ can't keep him under control." Someone's talking. More like yelling. You can't see. Your eyes are bandaged. What… what happened? What did he do when he passed out?

A door slams shut.

...

"You're awake, aren't you, Haise?" asks Arima.

"Yeah," you admit, trying to sit up. Arima stops you and forces you to lie back down.

"How much did you hear?"

"Almost nothing."

It's quite for a while… "What do you know?"

"The _voice_… has told me things," you confide. "But, he wasn't the one who made me pass out. I found out about my old self on my own. I found out about how I was 'erased…' by you."

"Oh," says Arima. "I'm… sorry for making you live such a… _lie_… Haise… or would _you_ prefer Kaneki?" He does sound... sad and regretful.

"I _am_ Haise," you insist. Kaneki's name belongs to the apparition that sometimes talks to you and sometimes cries. Kaneki's name isn't _yours _to take, like how you've taken his body and future away_._

**902**

You don't receive many visitors.

Instead you spend much of your time _in_ and _out_ of dreams.

Kaneki smells like blood and gore and just a hint of delicate sweetness. You're sure you smell less bloody— it might be a delicious aroma for ghouls, but it's gross for humans to smell. His lips meet yours. You're kissing yourself, you realize, but… it feels good… somehow right…?

It's warm.

A short and chaste kiss from your older self leaves you confused. Why is he _doing_ _this_?

His scent is all around you, suffocating you with its sweetness. You feel dizzy. His hands grip at your waist tighter and tighter. If this wasn't a dream, you'd be sure you'd bruise from how harshly he holds you.

Is this… is this _narcism_? To be kissed (and technically, to kiss) by yourself? Your hearts pounds in your chest. You feel safe and content… How strange of you to find peace in yourself.

**895**

Arima's the one who takes off your bandages. Your vision's bit bit blurry. He offers a tiny smile to you. "You should eat," he advices.

"Huh?" you say. "Why?"

He chuckles. "It's been so long since those early days when you couldn't control your kakugan…" He touches your lower back, right where your kagune would come out. "You're so tense, Haise…" Your face burns scarlet. Arima hasn't been so… affectionate in a while… It just feels too _nice. _He's right. Your back is terribly tense. It gets that way since you aren't supposed to use your kagune too often.

Arima kisses your cheek. His lips are chapped and they look vaguely irritated. He has a bad habbit of chewing on his lips when worried… Could he have worried about you while you were locked away, high off of RC depressants?

"Arima… please stop," you say. Your stomach growls. You need to eat. "I… I might eat you…"

"You won't," he says. "I _trust_ you."

He kisses you on the lips, but you push him away. It's not the same as when you were kissed by the Centipede ghoul… You don't feel safe right now… The walls are moving, shaking, making reality curve. Your stomach growls. You need to eat and he smells like a _delicacy _you could gobble up in one bite.

**888**

You're drinking a cup of bitter coffee when Akira sits down on the couch next to you. It's awkward. You see her as a _mother_ figure. A mother who might be forced to _kill_ you some day. But, it's for the greater good, you tell yourself. You _don't_ want to hurt anyone.

"Haise, have you talked to Arima-san lately?" She looks curious. But, she doesn't reveal much without a purpose...

"…No, not really," you say. It's true. He hasn't spoken with you since _that_ day. You can understand why he's mad at you. Arima probably just missed you and you pushed him away. But, it didn't feel right. What you've been doing with your old self… You're betraying Arima in a way.

Akira watches you carefully. "I think you should approach him," she advices. "He… He seems sad…"

Sad…? Not _angry_?

You're confused.

"Please, Haise. I know that our… '_family_' as you call it wouldn't be Papa Arima and Mama Akira with Son Sasaki. If it were, it'd be somewhat… incestuous. But, if you and Arima-san are happy together, that's all that matters. Did someone say something bad? If you want, we can have them reported," she says.

Akira doesn't see the real problem.

Nobody has discovered the true nature of your relationship with Arima, but Akira.. Nobody has discovered the true nature of your relationship with _the Voice _and if someone would…_ How _would you explain it?

How do you explain to others that you cannot decide between Arima and a murderous, cannibalistic younger version of yourself...?

**881**

_You_ dream again.

There's a different you this time.

He's even shorter and looks more delicate… more fragile… He has black hair and soft… grey eyes. He looks so kind and sweet, someone you instinctively want to _protect _him from whatever changed him.

He smiles when he looks at you. The walls and the floor are both white. Innocence…? Is that what this boy exhibits…? He's the innocent you who went missing so long ago, only to be replaced by the tragic you with black nails and white hair.

"Is it better to be hurt than to be the one who hurts others?" he asks you.

…It sounds familiar.

Who told you that before?

You nod subconsciously and the boy fades into the white haired one you're so accustomed to.

"No. It's better to hurt than be the one who gets hurt," he says. When he speaks, it sounds definite. The room changes into the strange black room with the checkered tiles.

The bucket appears next to you. You're seated in the chair where your other self normally is. He watches you carefully. You look into the bucket and are startled by the massive amount of severed fingers and toes. You almost vomit. Then you notice that all of the nails are black.

You're forgetting that _you_ were tortured.

That someone cut off _your_ fingers and your toes. That the trauma from that caused _your_ hair to turn white. _You_ forgetting is what allowed your hair to start growing in black again…

The bucket falls over on its own and centipedes wiggle their way out of the heap of decay.

Then, you're surrounded by your other self. Kaneki holds you until the dream fades away and you're looking at your off-white ceiling.

**874**

_You're _the one who approaches Arima first.

He brings you to his apartment and makes coffee. Arima keeps some bloody sugar cubes handy in a cabinet. You add three to your mug and stir. He sits across from you in the kitchen. The table would sit a good number of people. His kitchen is cramped, but clean.

"How are you feeling, Haise?" he asks as you take your first sip.

"I'm… fine, Arima-san," you say. "How are you…?"

"You don't need to use the '-san.' And I'm doing fine," he says. He adds a splash of milk to his coffee.

You both remain quiet for a while.

You try to break the awkward atmosphere. "…Have you read any good books, lately?"

"No… There's been a lot of paperwork I needed to work on," he says. "Why? Do you have any recommendations?"

You shake your head. "I haven't had time to drop by a bookstore…"

"We should go together some time," Arima suggests. His hand reaches out and grabs yours lightly. He's warm. Arima lets go of your hand and you blink. Did you do something wrong?

He gets up and walks over to you. Arima kneels by you, bringing your palm to his face and kissing it. It's strangely intimate... Almost like an unspoken proclamation of love. Can a ghoul truly love a human? "Haise… please… If there's something wrong, you'd tell me, right?"

You swallow thickly. You can't just _lie _to this man… This man, who may have hurt you in the past, but now looks at you with such tenderness in his eyes…

"…It's the _voice_," you tell him. "The younger me… I can't sleep without him showing up and… usually he just says things. But… other times he does these things…"

Arima cocks his head. "Things…?"

"He's _kissed_ me," you tell him. "And held my hand. He's… shown me people I used to know."

Arima _grips_ your hand firmly for a moment. He's the one holding your hand now, not your double. Then he rests his head on your knee, like a pet fond of its owner when it's much more the other way around. "I'm so sorry," he says. "It's all my fault… If I hadn't attacked you so viciously a year ago, you'd still have your memories… your friends… _Everything_ I forced you to give up."

"No… it's okay," you say, running your hands through his hair. It's so soft. "I have… you and Akira… Urie, Tooru, Ginshi, and Saiko…" You don't really have any more people to list. And some the ones you do list aren't the best companions… You can hear the weakness of your argument.

"I still feel _guilty_…" he whispers it so low that you can barely hear it.

"Has this been bothering you lately?"

"Yes," Arima says. "How could it not? Haise, they wanted to have you executed so many times in these past three years." The normally stoic man's voice wobbles for a second. "I can't let them hurt you any more than they already have… I _need_ to make it up to you."

"...You can start by taking me to a bookstore," you suggest. Your first bookstore date didn't turn out so well, but Arima couldn't possibly plan to eat you...

**867**

Arima takes you out to go to a booksotre as promised.

When the two of you are out on your 'dates,' it doesn't normally look as if you're anything but friends. Today is different for some reason… He _holds_ your hand loosely, ignoring the strange looks the two of you receive.

**860**

Kaneki Ken cries.

You can't see him.

But you can hear him all around you, grieving his lost 'life' and lost memories. In way, he's weeping because of _you._

And you wish… you wish that the crying would just _stop._

If your mother could see you now... would she be happy with the man you grew up to be?

**853**

**846**

**839**

* * *

><p><em>hi everyone! Thanks for reading. This was written for Cannibal Christmas, and I hope you all enjoyed. This was my first attempt at writing Kanekicest and also ArimaKaneki so i hope it's not too weird. also, the fic's name, Paracosm, means "an imaginary world created in one's mind" and i thought that it would fit the Sasaki Haise of this story. so, happy holidays to y'all!_


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